Normal for me

Here I am. Soaked in regret and the smell of bad memories.

I always wonder, is there a way out or am I just stuck in a shallow pit.

A pit shallow enough for me to see the top but not enough for me to reach out and pull myself.

I can’t explain it but I feel trapped. I am a prisoner of a past life that brought me despair and disheartened me.

Sometimes I think that I’m scarred for life. Maybe these are the things that I will always carry with me. Pain, regret, sorrow, fatigue, anxiety…

All these things have been my companions. Recently I’ve grown so accustomed to their presence that I don’t realise they are there, with me.

It’s almost as though they have become my new normal. Sometimes I experience moments without them but without them its like something is wrong.

I know how it sounds. But try living with something for as long as I have. Getting rid of it seems impossible. Almost far-fetched.

I would love to live without them. I would love to experience life without such impediments I would love to live life without feeling like the air is getting sucked out of me.

Not only am I being deprived of it, but it is getting pulled out of me. Not all at once. It’s a slow pull that gets stronger over time. Sometimes it loosens as if to tease you but it comes back stronger.

So of course I would love to live without it.

I just don’t know what it takes. As I said, I feel like a prisoner in a shallow pit. If only I can gather the strength to jump and save myself before the darkness fully sets in.

Dickson Muthee,

Strathmore Law School