I’ve been thinking… thinking about what it really means to feel. Life is a rollercoaster of emotional events and sometimes you get to a place where you cannot recognise who you were before you felt some kind of way. That doesn’t quite make it easy to get used to feeling does it? Such a beautiful thing it is to let emotion flow and move you, yes? But just as beautiful as all that may seem, it doesn’t quite rescue you from the anguish… the anxiety that comes with emotions you cannot control. Such a slippery thing all this is, isn’t it?
I cannot fathom what it is you evoke… dark? Light? Bad? Good? I don’t care, I feel it and it’s not going away. And honestly, I don’t want it to. Expected it? I always did… will I run away? … Always. You’re colour, I’m just an ordinary book that seeks to express more… know more. You can pick me up, find what you like but I am never going to be as colourful as you are or understand why my story will be more beautiful having you there. What you could offer, may just be what I need, but in between the lines that bring out what is inside me, you will understand that that reality is something I might never figure out and I cannot contradict my story by having your colour define it because right now, having you there will depersonalize me.
‘Use you’…..those words resonate at the back of my mind. You say you want to know what makes Jade ‘Jade’, but like all kinds of things that intrigue one to the point of curiosity, once the want is sated you’ll be gone. There is not much you will find here. I’m an anticlimactic book. But you’ve got this look in your eye that makes me want to be more so that you never stop looking at me that way. But deep down inside I know I’d have to pretend if I want to keep you. And I don’t want to use you. I don’t want to disappoint you. My life in passing right now will hurt you. If you scald, I will burn.
I love having you around. But I’m an untitled book and I’m still trying to figure out what my story should be like. I’ve got so many unwritten chapters and I’m still rewriting bad ones, and I’m not even sure if where I am is my best work yet and you’re not just a chapter. I don’t want you to be. I’m scared. But I don’t want to think, that will validate what I feel. Even if I end up not being what you hoped to have, you’re beautiful in all the ways that count. Your mind is the most attractive thing that comes with you. Believe it…
Numinous- (adj.) describing an experience that makes you fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted- the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired.
Pronunciation: ‘nu-mi- nus’
P.S: The word originated in religious usage, but it can be applied to natural experiences as well as supernatural. It can also mean, ‘suggesting the presence of something holy or divine
Jade Makory (20)