Universities around the country have closed because of Corona. Yes, the whole situation is sad, but I really needed a break. I was about to burn out. Also, I have so much to do: my artwork, blog, readings, movies, and series. I finally get to catch up!!! If I’m being brutally honest, this whole thing is a blessing in disguise FOR ME. Not to reduce other people’s suffering, but I get to lean back and relax, but at the same time achieve what I always wanted to do. See ya!
It’s been so long since I got that amount of sleep! I’m fresh, rejuvenated and ready to work. So today I wrote down all the things I need to do: go back to updating my blog posts, work out every day, go through some academic journals related to my course, complete some of the paintings I left hanging, submit some writings for my school and club website, learn how to cook better and cycle as much as possible. I know, it sounds like A LOT, but I’ve always been so productive. I’ve never had a hard time getting stuff done. So, I drew up a timetable, distributed tasks and I’ll start working tomorrow. Bye!
Today was quite slow for me. I woke up a bit late because I slept late watching Netflix. You know how I am with reality TV shows, and Netflix has quite a number these days. When I woke up, I continued with where I had left off because I just had to finish, you know. Anyway, to sum it all up, I didn’t finish anything I planned to do, and I feel horrible for it. But I can give myself a day off once in a while, right? I mean, the world is facing a pandemic and everyone’s anxious about everything, so don’t I deserve to deal with how I’m feeling now?
No, I need to maximise on my time and create as much as possible, period. So tomorrow I’ll do what I was supposed to do today as well as what I set aside for tomorrow. I can do it. Besides, my classmate, ……., posted a video on their YouTube Channel today. If she can get right to it, so can I. I cannot be left behind. I HAVE TO GRIND.
Today was amazing! I got everything I had planned to do done. I knew I could do it. I woke up at 5.00am and it is 2.00 am right now. Time for bed, because I’m pretty much burnt out, I can’t do anything else. But I’m proud of myself. I got so much done. Can’t talk much, I need to sleep. Talk to you tomorrow!
Things didn’t really go as planned today. I woke up really late because I was so tired from yesterday’s work. Also, I felt a bit lazy. So, I didn’t get much done, again. But tomorrow is still a day. Like I did yesterday, I will do tomorrow! No need to worry. Bye.
I didn’t get much done today, but no worries, tomorrow is still a day. I’m not in the mood for this diary entry, my life is not very exciting at the moment. So, bye.
I’m sorry I haven’t made a diary entry for a week. For some reason, I feel overwhelmed. It’s not because I’ve been doing a lot, in fact, I’ve not achieved anything I had planned to. It sucks, but I literally can’t. I have zero motivation. I hate that I feel stuck. Anyway, I have so much to update you on.
My sleeping routine is non-existent. I sleep all day and I’m awake all night. At night, when no one else is awake, and all that fills the air is silence, I think. Not because I want to; my mind just wonders, and sometimes, it wonders too deep. Too deep, that I get scared because I feel like I’m in darkness, alone. Thoughts haunt me, I worry about everything. My head and heart feel heavy, but I cannot put words to express why I feel this way. I just feel it. Most times, when my thoughts become too much to handle, I cry. But if you ask me why, I can’t tell you. I cry until I’m out of breath, until I get migraines. So, to avoid these ‘episodes’, I drown my thoughts in music. It worked for a few days until my thoughts started dancing to the music. It’s like they combined, but my thoughts soon became louder. So loud, that they eventually muted the music. But anyway, I guess I’m just bored. It’s not a big deal.
The blog post I made is gaining traction. Very many comments are made daily. For the first time since starting the blog, I got a negative comment. I’m very confident in my writing but the comment made me feel some way. I showed it to my sister, and she said that it was just a small criticism, that was true, but I got really offended. My ability has never been challenged. But that’s neither here nor there, I’ll just block them. Probably another hater.
I haven’t talked to ‘you know who’ in a while. I saw his post on Instagram the other day and he’s looking good. I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. Why hasn’t he reached out to me? I mean, everyone has time now. I’ll post a picture tomorrow. That will definitely get him to text me. That’s all I can write today, bye.
I had another ‘episode’. I told my best friend about my episodes, but she didn’t seem to get it. Am I going crazy? She made me feel more alone. I hate this.
I couldn’t get out of bed to take pictures today. Besides, I feel like I’ve added so much weight. I feel and look disgusting. Or maybe I’ve always looked disgusting, that’s why he dumped me. I mean, look at me. He doesn’t want to be with someone like me. I saw him take part in a challenge on Instagram and he tagged her. I guess she’s his type. She’s got it all. If that’s what he wants, whatever. I couldn’t care less. But, why am I so unlovable?
My blog post is making rounds on Twitter. Everyone literally hates it. So many criticisms that I can’t argue with. So, I took down my whole page. Besides, it wasn’t that good. No one cared about what I wrote about anyway. I’ve officially quit blogging.
The whole world is against me, no one wants me. I feel so alone.
My cousin called me today. Her dad had to close his restaurant because of the pandemic. They can’t pay rent next month, so they’re moving in with us tomorrow. Wow, they must be going through so much. I can’t talk too long; I need to make space for them. Bye.
I haven’t talked to you for a while. I barely get time to do diary entries because I get no alone time. But I’m not complaining. Having my cousin over has helped me so much. She told me about how she felt about her dad getting his restaurant closed and I told her about my breakdowns. She got it. Finally someone felt my pain. She’s been going through worse though. But she told me that being around family, made her feel more at peace. We reached out to this mental health institution we found on Twitter and talked to some counsellors about what to do to take care of our mental health during these tough times.
It’s funny, I thought this time would be a blessing. I didn’t look and reflect on what’s really happening around me. Everyone is going through a tough time. Some more than others.
Anyway, I need to go. We’re going on our daily walk before curfew time. I really like it. Sometimes we joke, sometimes we get serious. I no longer feel alone and I bet she doesn’t as well. Time’s ticking, I need to go. See ya!
Strathmore Law School Alumna.