I have been terrified for 32 years
No one opens a can of worms to look inside of what had been, what could have been
I always told myself that if I saw you again I would crawl beneath a steamy vehicle
Bury my head and not find you
This terror has not aided the
Healing
It has only prolonged it.
I told myself I would never hold a pen to write.
I never asked myself if it would impede
Healing
But it did
Now I watch slowly as you saunter across the meadows at sunset
And every figment of me
Recollects past memories. Past tragedies
I am afraid to ask myself the question why.
I am afraid today I must do it if it is to
Free me.
So
I will not reenact what happened in present relationships
I will not be afraid to take risks
I will not be afraid to speak about what happened
The violence that masked it all
The deep hurt
I must understand that moving on does not simply mean
Not having feelings
But accepting the past dire situation as a growth process
As learning.
As knowing.
What a Love should be and what a love should always have been.
A love should always be one
That appreciates
That cares
That speaks truth
That listens
That toils storms
That confesses
That asks
That does not use
That does not hate
That does not bite
Only then can the process of healing begin. Dialogue with self. Tell self about self’s imposing of past storms and self-deconstruction. Tell self about why self must heal softly, violently and painfully. Tell self that self you are here, and self you made it.
But don’t tell self to shut the door. Self must not shut the door but open it, violently to interrogate past predispositions that broke, fell and shuttered. Self must
Learn to care for self by inviting a love
That waters
A love of a river
A love on the banks of white flowers
Self paints flowers on self’s bed and
Self tells self
Self, you are the Radiance.
Self, you are Tomorrow.
Self, you are the Sun.
And self, you are Here.
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