self opens A can of Worms

I have been terrified for 32 years

No one opens a can of worms to look inside of what had been, what could have been

I always told myself that if I saw you again I would crawl beneath a steamy vehicle

Bury my head and not find you

This terror has not aided the

Healing

It has only prolonged it.

I told myself I would never hold a pen to write.

I never asked myself if it would impede

Healing

But it did

Now I watch slowly as you saunter across the meadows at sunset

And every figment of me

Recollects past memories. Past tragedies

I am afraid to ask myself the question why.

I am afraid today I must do it if it is to

Free me.

So

I will not reenact what happened in present relationships

I will not be afraid to take risks

I will not be afraid to speak about what happened

The violence that masked it all

The deep hurt

I must understand that moving on does not simply mean

Not having feelings

But accepting the past dire situation as a growth process

As learning.

As knowing.

What a Love should be and what a love should always have been.

A love should always be one

That appreciates

That cares

That speaks truth

That listens

That toils storms

That confesses

That asks

That does not use

That does not hate

That does not bite

 

Only then can the process of healing begin. Dialogue with self. Tell self about self’s imposing of past storms and self-deconstruction. Tell self about why self must heal softly, violently and painfully. Tell self that self you are here, and self you made it.

But don’t tell self to shut the door. Self must not shut the door but open it, violently to interrogate past predispositions that broke, fell and shuttered. Self must

Learn to care for self by inviting a love

That waters

A love of a river

A love on the banks of white flowers

Self paints flowers on self’s bed and

Self tells self

Self, you are the Radiance.

Self, you are Tomorrow.

Self, you are the Sun.

And self, you are Here.

 

Cindy Akinyi Ajumbo (20)
Student of Law
cindy.ajumbo@strathmore.edu
(@cindyaajumbo on Instagram for more poetry).